This wasn’t my first time going to see Jordan Peterson, the famous — or infamous to some — psychologist speak. But this time would be different. This time, I paid extra to stay after the show and participate in the meet and greet.
But why pay extra? Why even attend the event when I can just pull up free videos on YouTube? I suppose it’s because after years of hearing from him, I needed him to hear from me. But what should I say? What was it that I wanted him to know?
The idea ran through my head for weeks leading up to the event. I came up with a proper greeting and a short story that would tell him a bit about why I took the incentive to speak to him. What it was that I appreciated. But none of that happened. In part, it was because we were told we had a photo-op that was just that and nothing more. I understood. It made sense. There were 150 of us and everyone had a story to tell, while Dr. Peterson had a talk to give in Boston the next day. If everyone got their own unbounded time, he’d miss his next show.
So I decided to tell him just one thing. The one thing I could get out quickly that was emblematic of why he has so much appeal and why I was so appreciative.
“I think of you whenever I wrestle with my children.”
Well, yeah, so what? And how creepy is that?
Here’s the thing. It turns out that it’s a big deal. And I now know it’s a big deal because of him.
There’s a neuroscientist named Jaak Panksepp, author of Affective Neuroscience, who has studied play circuitry in our brains. In fact, he discovered that there is a specific circuitry that exists for play. That in itself is a big deal. It points to the idea that we are evolutionarily wired to play. That play is not just something we do when we’re bored, but essential to our humanity.
Specific to wrestling or “rough housing,” he tested rats and their play patterns. It turns out that rats, who have a surprisingly complex social structure, play with each other in the form of wrestling. They even show signs of depression and maladjustment when not allowed to play or restricted from it. If they have to perform tasks, or work to play, they work hard for the opportunity to do so.
And just like humans, rats vary by size which can give larger rats an advantage over smaller rats when wrestling. So as expected, larger rats tend to win, or pin down, smaller rats as they wish. But here’s the interesting part. Larger rats, when playing multiple times with the same smaller rats, often let the smaller rat win. Well, why the heck would a large, domineering rat let a little rat win in physically combative play? Why not just dominate everyone and rule the brood? It turns out that smaller rats refuse to play unless they win at least thirty-percent of the time.
Ok, that’s nice. But so what? Why does that matter?
It matters because there is an ethic that emerges in the rats’ social structure as a consequence of play, and that ethic is a type of reciprocity. It’s not just the most powerful rat that rules. He has to attend to the needs of others or nobody will play his game.
Well how does that translate to my children?
Physical play increases empathy and is akin to learning to dance with someone. It has to be reciprocated, and learning to understand and respect someone’s boundaries teaches kids how to empathize.
It helps in learning the difference between aggression and assertiveness, as well as opting for the latter, reducing aggression.
Children also learn fair play from rough housing just like the rats. Nobody wants to continuously play a game they never win.
One of the greatest predictors of long term success is delayed gratification. Often parents will be able to utilize this intrinsically rewarding type of play to teach delayed gratification. If little Jimmy cleans up his toys and does his chores, we can wrestle on the bed later.
Lack of rough house play in rats created a social disorder akin to Attention Deficit Disorder, which was treatable with Ritalin.
And this is the essence of why, I think at least in part, people are attracted to hearing and meeting Jordan Peterson. He helps inform us of how absolutely important all the things we usually think of banal are, and articulate why they matter. For me, that means understanding how important and fulfilling it is for my children to get off my butt and kick their butts. It’s not just rough-housing, it’s an integral part of their development into good humans. It’s my duty regardless of how much energy I have or what mood I am in.
Our whole world is like this. Nothing is not with some deeper, intrinsic meaning. That is what Dr. Peterson brings to the table. The realization that everything matters.
Some may disagree, and that’s fine. But which road would I choose?
Everyday life and its contents are mostly trivial in a universe so vast it is beyond our comprehension.
Everything you do matters and makes a difference. So, pay attention to your actions and your ideas because the amount of responsibility you carry for yourself and the surrounding world is something you can never fathom.
I understand shying away from number two and towards number one. Responsibility is often framed as a burden instead of an opportunity. But I don’t think that there is a better choice than trying to be matter that matters.
During my meet and greet, I could have tried to get in a quick story about getting kicked out of my Lutheran confirmation classes for asking about how evolution fits into Genesis. Only to be brought back to understanding scripture as his Biblical lectures answered the questions my pastor refused to.
I could have talked about reading explanations in his book on alchemical symbols and being thrust into “the zone” which has opened up my intellectual pursuits, and how meaningful that has been.
Or maybe about the couple hundred books I have read and written about since I took on the challenges he laid out.
But this one thing stood out more than any other: He has helped to make me a better father and husband. There is nothing more important. And I wanted him to know that.
But I don’t think that there is a better choice than trying to be matter that matters. )))))
Love this…going to put it in the Mental Lifeskills Toolbox